Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Life in a Bubble

This post is personal, perhaps it shouldn't be written at all but I will write it anyways.

I am beyond pissed off that I have to put down on my medical history paperwork that I have had an STD. There I said it. Maybe to some of you think it's no big deal. I only know from my own small world view.

I was raised Mormon, had one very unfortunate encounter at 16 with a much older man who should be ashamed of himself and otherwise was with the man that was my husband for 30 years. Is that the life I would choose if I had it to do over. I don't honestly know but I would think probably not. I'm not the prude I used to be. I was either taught or inferred from what was said that sex was taboo and only to be experienced after the vows were taken. That's not how it happened but the values were set and held on to. Enter the evangelical church that I attended from my 20's to my 40's, where those values I developed as a child were cemented with a foundation of fear. I remember the promise rings and ceremonies that were popular when my kids were too young to be a part, where a father would give his teenage daughter a ring that she was suppose to wear as a reminder to stay pure. What COMPLETE garbage....that in our fear of losing control over our children, we ask them to make promises that will cause them either anger or guilt...not sure anything good could come from that. And what about the boys anyways??? Our church had no such ceremony for the boys....ah well, I digress.

My values have changed drastically in the last decade, but there is still a part of me that does not want to put this STD in writing, possibly in fear that I will be judged by someone who thinks like I once did. Or maybe just because I hold onto the fact that I NEVER broke my marriage vow so why should I carry the burden of the one who did?

I no longer believe in that God of fear and judgement; not the revengeful, rule ridden god that wipes out whole populations in anger. My God, my Higher Power, is a loving individual that is aware of how broken we are; of course he is, he created us. My God has taught me that love is love no matter what and that our job in the life is to learn how to be grateful. 

As I fill in the little bubble with my black pen, I take a great big breath and remember that it is a beautiful day, I actually love sex a bunch and, just FUCK IT, I am not going to let a little bubble with the initials STD following it ruin my day.

5 comments:

  1. Your story is not an uncommon one. And desperately sad. The am glad you are taking it as a part of your story and using it to empower you.
    For me, what caught my attention is your part about an angry God. One of the reasons I battle anxiety and depression is my fear of a God. I spent many years in a right-wing evangelical Christian church. Most of the doctrine makes me sad and scares me. It confuses me. I mean, according to the Bible, most of us are going to burn for eternity. And I'm convinced I'm one of them. Even as I write this I'm crying because there is no way out of this one. No amount of antidepressant medication helps.

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    1. Hey Sweetie, There is a different way!

      A generation of men decided how we were going to view God in America. Small minded and scared individuals that thought they could control what everyone did and thought through fear. I REJECT it. Jesus didn't teach that shit!. It isn't that way everywhere. It wasn't that way throughout history. They picked a God of their understanding and heaped it on all of our backs. No More! I choose a different God who is not defined by people I don't know... those people who care more about what I do to my body than the hungry in their neighborhoods. There are churches out there that teach love, understanding, unity and forgiveness. I choose them.

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    2. I do muss church. Well, not the churches I went to for many years. But my Quaker church that accepts everyone and lets you lean on the God of your understanding. But I work Sundays.
      Thank you for your words. They mean so much. Sometimes I think I need to be deprogrammed like a person in a cult.

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  2. I rebelled against and stepped away from my conservative and religious roots way back in my teens. It was all that double standard bullshit that did me in. I got tired of all the rules for girls and the lack of them for boys. I spent years seeking out my own spiritual path. Now I feel peacefully connected to this world by my own definition of what a higher power should be. Our upbringings certainly affect us in every which way.

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    1. I had this notion of needing to raise my kids "right". The problem was that I often left church feeling, at best, conflicted and, at worst, angrier than spit. I love Al-Anon for opening a door that led to peace. I had to be the one to walk in but at least they showed me it was possible.

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