A New Beginning

The Secret Keeper, who is apparently in a more stable phase of bi-polar 1 disorder, texted me to ask if he could wash the windows at our house. He seems to be trying to start a business and he wondered if he could get some experience by doing mine. He mentioned that he would give me a 50% discount.

I know I should be glad that he is trying to keep busy and support himself in any way possible. I'm not feeling that. There is a twisting in my stomach, a lump in my throat and spinning thoughts. Is that how guilt presents itself in physical form?

I want this broken man to do well...for my children, for himself.....and, maybe, for me, so that I don't feel so bad. How selfish of me!!! God, I am a selfish person.

We had a life together. We had 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a big beautiful home, 5 freakin cars, a silhouette of quail that returned yearly, two above average income jobs, a church and anything else you can think of that constitutes the strappings of a high-middle income family. That life is gone. What replaced it for me was a Boy Scout, growth, gratefulness, deepening and healthier relationships with my kids, a tiny little house that does not own my heart and a relationship with the God of my understanding. What replaced it for him was a spiral down of using, loneliness, lack of connection, behaviors counter productive to good health, meth, a bed in a sober living house and relationship behaviors typical of an addict. He loves his kids and they love him but.......he is no longer the dad they knew. Connection is hard to achieve and it seems to hurt when he is able, like a reminder of what once was.

Today I feel bad but it's not just about me.

Does anyone need their windows washed?

Comments

  1. I wish him the best. I think if I were you in your position I wouldn't want him washing my windows, though. I don't think it is selfish to look out for and protect yourself.

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    1. I am not afraid of him but I don’t think it does him well to see the evidence of me moving forward without him. I could be wrong. Nothing to do with mental illness makes sense.

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  2. Is there a proper emotion to feel after all you have been through? It takes a very, very long time to get past anger and disappointment. Those damn expectations get us every time. If you figure a way around them let me know because they are my single biggest character defect.

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  3. Uh...gosh I hope you told him no to the window washing. (And I cleaned up my language for you, cuz my first thought was unfit for print or advice.) And there is nothing selfish about you not wanting him there. At least in my opinion.

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    Replies
    1. The "NO" was a given. I don't think it is any better for him than it is for me to have him hanging around our house. Thanks Lolly♥

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  4. I know what would work for me, Linda. I'd have to make the break and stay away and say no to him. I don't think it would be selfish to do that. You have to take care of you! Putting yourself first in this situation is not selfish, it's healthy.

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  5. You are so sensitive and generous dear Linda!
    otherwise there is no reason to think of you as selfish .

    you are beautiful person with loving heart and it is your right to protect yourself from such pain that can give you when you face him again .

    i think there is huge sense of guilt and regret behind this offer or he (God forbid) he wants to hurt you more but this is just an assumption due to read of your profile writing came in my mind.
    i loved the serene theme of your blog my friend!
    May your heart be at such calmness and lightness ,amen

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  6. I can't imagine. Well, yes I can on a lot of it. Glad you are moving along and I hope he is, too.

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  7. You have to protect yourself! Like they tell you on airplanes, in the event of an emergency, put YOUR life vest on/use YOUR air mask first, then assist others. Because you can't effectively assist others if you are in jeopardy yourself. No guilt!

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    Replies
    1. Ugh. I wish it were that easy. The brain says one thing and the heart says another.

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  8. Ugh, the mind that runs away into the deep darkness, I have been on a few of those rides myself and can only say, hang in there, nothing lasts forever, hugs and love

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